The Blueprint

The Blueprint won't go better with coke

24th July 2006
Chidi Umeh

And here we are again. Ready to embark upon another Top Corner league like we don't have enough on our plate already.

Stock up on aspirin, prepare to receive a whole lot of bull manure from a number of people, and get ready to nominate for the Worst Excuse for Missing a Game award. And we haven't even got to the football yet.

Yep, the show starts here folks and here's a quick shakedown of the things we need to do in order to ready ourselves for the season ahead. Here is The Blueprint and it applies to one and all:

1. Slow starts are a no-no.
Just nine goals first half goals were scored in the spring league. Just like Sachin Tendulkar facing a flustered spin bowler or Bruce Forsyth busting a move on Strictly Come Dancing we need to start on the front foot.

2. Know thyself!
We've been playing long enough to know our best positions. Bear that in mind, stick to them, and leave hapless experimentation to former England managers. This season is gonna be tough enough as it is without adding our own brand of meddlesome tomfoolery into the mix.

3. Say 'No' to Hot Potato Syndrome.
Get comfortable on the ball or prepare for a spell on the sidelines. If this ailment is allowed to go untreated it could develop into full-blown Hot Cake-itis and force premature retirement from the game.

4. Express yourself!
Expressionism manifests itself in several ways on a football picth. Mazy dribbles, strong tackles, economical passing, barked orders, whatever it takes. Fabio Cannavaro's master class at the last World Cup showed a defender can express himself through craft and guile, and reminded us that football artistry isn't the preserve of attacking players.

5. Stop relying on The Artist to bail us out.
Yeah, that's right. It's time everyone stepped up and delivered more consistently. Aren't you all tired of looking on with anxious expressions on your faces as The Artist lines up a shot? Step up or shut up.

6. Be assertive.
We're an opininated bunch, unafraid to make our voices heard when the opportunity arises and even when it doesn't. But this doesn't explain why people scurried for cover when the captain's armband busted loose from it's packaging and looked for a suitable candidate to wear it. The armband ain't Kryptonite and heaven knows there Ain't No Such Thing As Superman on our team. It's time for someone to take charge and leave the pussy behaviour behind. But above all, the most important thing to take from The Blueprint is to...

7. Enjoy yourself!
After all, what's the worse that can happen?

Now, of course, none of the above guarantees victory at the end of the season but it will put us in the driving seat towards making this season a helluva lot more worthwhile than previous ones.

Renaissance glossary

osgood schlatter
1. a benign knee condition.
2. a fugazi injury.

where's my monies?
MuwangaSpeak - a phrase used by James Lutaya Muwanga when ready to collect money owed to TopCorner.

Check out more definitions from the Renaissance Glossary.